So far, 2014 has been a hot nasty mess. There have been two good things that have happened (I am sure there have been more than two, but they were probably minor things like that really good lemonade I had last weekend when I was really thirsty or buying that lime green beer helmet to use in the hot tub... these things are not very important although they are fun). But in opposition to those 2 good things have been a stream of not good things.
This is where I should be like, it's OK though! Because the bad things make you appreciate the good things! This is not that kind of blog post. NO IT IS NOT.
First off, New Years was very, very bad. I had a migraine. That should have been a sign. I am not one to put a lot of faith in New Years but starting it off with a migraine has to be a bad omen.
Being 26 years old in this day and age is really hard you know. Everyone I know is getting married and having babies. I am not even kidding. I, however, am currently sitting in bed with my cat while I write this. She is trying to hold my hand and I am batting it away. These are my circumstances, my cross to bear in life. And Kitty is very old. Like 180 in cat years I am pretty sure. I am not good with math. But she is old. And I think she resents me because I keep saying, "As soon as Kitty dies I am getting a dog." I apologize to her verbally everyday for being such a bad mother. It does nothing.
I started off this year thinking about all the glorious things that could happen. I thought, "This is your year Meagan! 2014! So many things will happen for you!" And I did get a promotion at work, and I have a new niece. Those are the good things that I have referenced above. I do understand that it is only the 5th month. But fo real.
Let's start with this little gem. The person I always thought it would work out with got engaged to someone else. It would be like watching a romantic movie and then at the end they are like PSYCH! They will NEVER be together. And then I would like die or something and he wouldn't even know or care. It would just show me choking on a peanut or falling down a storm sewer or something and then flash to a scene of him lying on a beach drinking pina coladas. Which is the ultimate sad ending because I love pina coladas so much. So much. A lot. I really like them too much I think. One time I went to Margaritaville and I just kept ordering them. I didn't have any money but I did not care. Because pina coladas are like a salve to the soul. They also make you very drunk because you don't realize how much you are actually drinking.
So yeah, things were going bad. Sucky man is lying on the beach being an asshole. And I cried about it for like a day... perhaps a day and a half. I had to watch a documentary on Irish jig dancing to get my mind off of it. I thought, what is the one thing that won't make me think about love? And I chose this documentary. It worked, but then I got too attached to the little girl trying to win the big prize at the jig competition and when she lost I cried all over again. And drank another bottle of wine. I also really like wine.
So I was doing sort of OK after all that, if being OK means giving up on love eternally just like Miranda Lambert in her hit song Kerosene. And I was like let's move on and be strong! Yay! You don't need anyone! And another guy from my past came into my life. And he was a fan of the drunky texts. But it was like, the worst kind of drunky texts because they have flashes of clarity that make you question if they are actually drunk. So he was like feeding me lines about life and then he was like PSYCH! Just kidding! It was like this post I saw one time about Valentine's Day cards for British people. One said, "I love you, in a way." That is how he made me feel. It was like I like you enough to text you at 2AM when I have no control over my motor skills (p.s. auto correct is a real bitch because I thought he was COMPLETELY coherent the whole time because he was spelling things so well. NOT COOL AUTO CORRECT) but I do not like you enough to take you for a pina colada. Bastards.
Not long after that, I realized that everyone I had ever been close to is just shuffling along with life without me. I understand now why people just wander off into the woods never to be heard from again. It is calm there. Plus they probably wind up getting rabies really quickly after they enter the woods and at that point do not even care that their only friends are a raccoon and a bat and that they live on berries and sleep in little fox dens. Anyway. Everyone else is like hey I am pregnant! My roommate is marrying someone she met four months ago. Four months. I have returned clothes after four months. THAT IS THE PROBLEM.
Am I the only one in the room begging for sanity? Like please. Go knock yourself out taking selfies and carving your names into things like picnic tables and trees and wet cement instead. You will get over it soon and then you will be begging me to play Mario Kart with you.
So everyone I know is married or pregnant. And they just want to hang out with the other married people and the other pregnant people. And they take pictures of their stomachs with numbers on them. And like kissing pictures.
I have not even met anyone yet that I would consider spending forever with except for Kara. Siri was drunk one day and asked Kara if she wanted me saved as her wife in her phone. That is a level of commitment I am comfortable with. Save me in your phone as your wife but do not ask me to do couple things. I want to play lazer tag and drink wine out of a hip flask.
Thus, I am not fitting in well with my old friends lately. Because while they are going on married dates to the Melting Pot and shoving melted cheese into each other's mouths (I am not convinced this restaurant is worth the madness it creates in people) I am buying life size busts of people's heads at flea markets and thinking seriously of installing permanent kiddie pools in the backyard.
And maybe there is someone out there for me. Someone who will listen to bagpipes with me non-ironically (They are beautiful and majestic and haunting and wonderful) and who will talk to me in a British accent for hours on end. Those are basically the two main things I would enjoy in a guy. Plus all of the following: British accents (fake or real), bagpipes (Can you play them? If so, we can skip ahead to the marriage license. There is no need to delay any longer.), steel drums (this holds a strong correlation to my love of pina coladas), lazer tag, skeet shooting, music festivals, corn dogs, wine, lanterns and twinkly lights, accepting of animal skulls used for decorative purposes, and likes records and antique stores. I feel like I have just described a hipster's dream man, but I am not a hipster. I am just a very strange bird who is having some trouble transitioning into the next phase of her life.
Like today at work for instance. At least, AT LEAST, ten times while I was walking out of a room I smacked into someone else. Every time. I would even pause at the door to wait and see if someone would pass and as soon as I stepped out someone would smack into me. That is the relationship I have with the universe right now.
So. I have no control over my life. Every guy that I have cared about has just been like, bye! see you! (Actually none of them have even said bye. One moved and didn't even tell me... I like to think it is not because I am a crazy person but because he is just an asshole. He is. But he knows it. So it is fine. We can all laugh about it later. Over pina coladas. For the love of God I need a pina colada.) My best friends from youth are just like on different planets from me. We cannot even see each other with telescopes. I am in a bubble and they are just waving from the outside being like, "I can't hear you over the sound of how happy I am!" I think I may be incapable of falling in love for real. This is something I have come to suspect as I have a heart of stone. Everyone is moving on with their lives and I guess I am too but the direction I am moving is like the complete opposite of everyone else. They are heading to the front of the concert and I am the one annoying everyone by trying to go the other way because "I really have to pee," or "Let me by because they are selling corn dogs and lemonade over there!"
This is my grasp on reality.
P.S. I just did a spell check on this. The number of times it highlighted the words "Pina Colada" was alarming.